Rollercoaster

As I look back over the last week, all I can think about is the rollercoaster of emotions that we as a family have been on. Who would've ever guessed the way our week would've gone?

Monday started out pretty exciting. I had a job interview in Lubbock with Buckner's Children's Home. (I haven't heard from them so I'm assuming I didn't get the job.) I get home that night and I am extemely tired. I try to brush it off that it was just from Aaron and I working our buns off over the weekend getting our house ready to list but something nudges me to go take a pregnancy test. Yes I was late but that is nothing new for me or anything even to begin to get excited about. The doctor had told us that it would be a near impossibility for me to get pregnant this month because of the test I had ran earlier in the month. I was in total disbelief when the test came back positive. I was PREGNANT!! I bet I looked at that test 1,000 times. I even sent pictures of it to friends of mine to make sure they were seeing the same thing I was. The next morning I promptly called Dr. Bello and went in for a blood test. It came back that I was most definately pregnant. I was 5 weeks along and due on September 29th.

When the doctor's office called with my HCG (pregnancy hormone) level it was a little on the low side when they confirmed my pregnancy. I wasn't worried about it at all because my levels were low when we found out about Michael. I made an appointment then to go back in on Friday for a follow up blood test to make sure that my levels were going up appropriately. In a normal pregnancy, the HCG level rises by double every 2 days. I went to that test completely elated and thinking that everything was going to be just fine because I had all the symptoms of pregnancy...nausea, fatigue, sore boobs, no period, hormone changes.

That's when the ball dropped. I called to confirm that everything was just peachy and found out that instead of doubling my levels had dropped by more than half. My level should have been up close to or over 60 and mine was at 11. They told me then that I was more than likely to going to lose my precious child. They called later to tell me to go to bed and lay flat on my back for at least 48 hours and get some progesterone in my system. I took Michael to a friend of mine (love you Alli) and went to bed.

Saturday around lunch I started spotting. I called my doctor to see if there was anything I needed to do like go to the hospital, double up on my hormones, anything to stop what I knew in my heart was about to happen. My head told me there wasn't anything we could do, but my heart didn't want to listen. They told me that I would probably just start my period and miscarry and there was nothing we could do to stop it. It really pissed me off that they kept calling it a period. It's not a freaking period!! It was a BABY!! I was so angry because I felt like I was being brushed off and like my heart was being ripped from my chest all at once.

Later that afternoon, the bleeding started. I prayed and cried and begged God to not take my baby, my little miracle that I was not supposed to have. I've never felt such pain or grief. Physically it hurts, but emotionally I don't know what to do.

Today I've been back to the doctor to make sure my levels have gone back down to zero. If it's not back at zero, then we have to worry about it possibly being an ectopic pregnancy which to me is even worse. That would mean that I would possibly be looking at surgery and at the worst losing a fallopian tube. I pray that it's not that way. My body has been through enough. My heart has been through enough.

Today I'm also trying to reconcile how this time last week I had a life inside me and now there's nothing. I actually feel empty. It's hard going to the bathroom and knowing that it's a child that I'm flushing or throwing in the trash. I've been told that I can't think that way or I'll continue to beat myself up, but I haven't been able to make that disconnect.

I know that God is holding my precious angel in his healing arms and taking care of whatever was wrong with it. My mom pointed out that Pawpaw, Pop, my uncle Tod and Mawmaw Green are probably all fighting over who is going take care of it and loving on my angel all they can. That picture warms my heart but it still makes it ache because I should be the one holding my baby.

I've been rambling enough. I apologize if it got a graphic but I need to get all this out and it's my blog and right now I need to use in as a sounding board. Please continue to pray for our family and know that it's all greatly appreciated.