Life

The last few weeks have definately felt like I was living on some kind of emotional roller coaster. Just thought I'd update everyone on how we are doing.

It seems that I've gotten the job at Buckner's Children's Home in Lubbock. Let me tell you how many "What ifs" that has opened. Aaron and I played that little game last night to the point that I couldn't sleep. It was sometime after 2 before my mind would finally let me rest. I'm really excited about the prospect of going back to work, but at the same time I have a huge guilt about putting Michael in full time daycare. Thankfully I have a friend in Lubbock that has a home daycare. That gives me a little piece of mind knowing that he'll be with a Christian woman that has the same level of education that I do. I know that may sound a little snooty to some, but I've worked in daycares and know what minimum wage workers are like. I really do not want to trust my son to that type of person. I know Christy's values and morals and they match up with how Aaron and I want Michael raised. The guilt comes from me leaving him everyday and what all I'll be missing out on. I love the way he comes and loves on me while he's playing. He's started doing this thing where he'll come and lay his head on my knee and say "ooooohhhh". It's beyond precious. I'm really going to miss that. On the plus side too, he'll be with my cousin Eryn's little boy, Spencer, and when her new little one comes along, he'll be there too. I really love the fact that Michael will have family there with him.

There are many other things that went through my mind last night, but I won't bother to talk about all that until another time. Most of the other worries come from housing issues.

I'm doing a little better with the miscarriage. The bleeding stopped about two weeks ago. I can still tell that my hormones are still trying to even out. Poor Aaron has been at the brunt of a lot of those mood swings. I am very thankful that I've been given a peace about it all. I guess that comes from all the prayers that have been said and my faith that God is totally in control of this situation. I've been reading I'll Hold You in Heaven to try and help me work through it all. To be honest, I don't know that the book has told me anything that I didn't already know. I do get a little aggrivated while reading it because it keeps comparing a miscarriage and still-birth to an abortion. I'm sorry but I didn't CHOOSE to lose my baby. I have a HUGE issue with comparing my loss to someone who CHOOSES to abort a pregnancy. I didn't realize that I had such strong feelings on this until I lost this child. I'm also so tired of hearing I'm sorry or you didn't want to bring an unhealthy baby into this world or God's timing is perfect or at least you know now that you can get pregnant on your own or God will give you another child. None of this makes me feel any better at all. None of it puts my baby in my aching arms. This all stuff that I know but it doesn't make the hurt go away. I want to be angry. I want to cry. I don't want to brush all this under the rug and act like it didn't happen, but somehow that's what has been expected. I will never utter those words to someone that has gone through what I have. To be honest, what I need now is to talk to someone that will let me be angry and cry and not tell me that it's all going to be ok. Somehow, though, in our human nature, especially as women, we want to make everything better and make everyone feel good. There are times though that we can't make it all better and it's better to let someone hurt. It's almost like I'm not allowed to grieve because I didn't know this child because I was only 5 weeks pregnant.

I'm still doing the back and forth thing between Midland and Lubbock. Michael and I spent about 10 days up there and I was able to look at a lot of houses and see lots of friends and family. Somehow this was a lot easier 5 years ago when I was 5 years younger and didn't have a little one to drag back and forth. Somehow the drive is a lot longer having to listen to a movie that's playing in the back seat. It's like moving everytime we head that direction. I'm very ready to get our house sold here and be settled in Lubbock. It was so nice being there the last week. It really felt like we were where we belonged and were home for lack of a better word. I'm hoping and praying that one of the many people that looked at our house over the last almost three weeks will make an offer or that the right person will come through our house this weekend. I'm just ready to have our family unit back together. Michael knows something is going on and he's acting out a little because of it. He needs his daddy and I need his daddy to take some of the pressure off at night.

Well now that I've vented, I feel a little better. That's a small glimpse into what all is going on here right now. Life right now is definately an adventure.