What a difference...

A year makes.

One year ago today, I got the call from Dr. Libson that I did indeed have pre-eclampsia and would spend the rest of my pregnancy on bedrest. I was 28 weeks along.

All I could do was lay in bed. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. All I could think was here I was finally pregnant with the child that I so desperately wanted, had prayed for, had dreamed about and now within the blink of an eye my precious child, my baby, my son could be taken from me. I don't know that at the time I had ever felt such fear and love for someone that I had yet to even meet. I thought about all we had been through to even get pregnant. I wondered how could God be so cruel because all I ever wanted to be in life was a mommy. Then I prayed for forgiveness and for God to hold my son in His healing hands.

At one point, Aaron asked me to make a list of stuff that we'd need at the hospital. By we, I mean me and the baby. I made the list for myself but sobbed when I started thinking about Michael. I cried because we didn't know if he'd get to come home with me. We really didn't know if he'd get to come home ever. There was the chance that one or both of us wouldn't make it through this. Aaron and I even had the conversation that if he had to choose between me or Michael, he was to choose Michael.

The weeks passed and I began to think of every week I made it through as a sort of victory. I knew that every week extra that Michael got to stay in me was time for him to grow stronger and just grow period. Who knew that 8 weeks later at 36 weeks I'd deliver my son. He was helathy and strong. I reached my goal and acheived a huge victory in my book.

Now 10 months later, Michael is the light of my life. He is healthy and definately happy. He has a smile that will light up a room. He is just the best baby to be around. Even though my pregnancy didn't go the way I planned. I feel a twinge of jealousy still when I see women walking around at almost 40 weeks getting to live their lives and yes that even included Steph. I even feel a bit cheated because of all the things I had planned including getting belly pictures taken that I didn't get to do. My delivery was very far from the way I wanted it to be. The last thing I wanted was a C-section or to be induced for that matter. I got both. Pretty much nothing went the way I had intended post-partum. I couldn't breast feed. (We've recently found out that Michael is tongue tied and that was probably the reason he couldn't latch on.) I had to have a second major surgery. Nothing went my way, but I still got the biggest prize...my son.

I love you my baby, my son, the light of my life!!